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  “Why?” he asked with genuine surprise.

  “Being the same as everyone else is boring. There, I said it.”

  Heather winked so that Jack felt as though she had just included him in a well-guarded secret.

  “Yeah, but Mom,” he continued.

  She couldn’t help but smile. It was the way he started every conversation with her and it cracked up her up every time.

  Yeah, but Mom . . .

  “Mom, do you think I’ll come back as a girl the next time?” Jack asked.

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  She was proud of him in that moment. His insight was unbelievable and his instinct was even more incredible. She looked into his eyes and saw they were opened wide with expectancy of her answer. She questioned the openness she shared with her boys but only for a moment. She was more afraid of raising them under the oppressive fear that had been bestowed on her and her sisters. Disguised as respect for the church, their teachings had only served to scare and depress them.

  Heather had always believed in reincarnation and had shared that belief with her children. She also shared the Christian beliefs of her family, and those that she learned of the Jews, and of the Muslims, and of the Catholics. She had advised them to accept the different beliefs whether they subscribed to them or not. She had told the boys to let life, experience and instinct guide the decisions they would ultimately make for themselves.

  “I honestly don’t know, honey,” she said. “Maybe it depends on what lesson you’d be coming back to learn.

  If the lesson requires you to be a girl, I don’t think you’ll even know the difference.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because you won’t remember having ever been a boy,” she said, and prayed the conversation wouldn’t scar him for life.

  “If I don’t remember I’m a boy, how will I remember you?” he asked.

  His expression was half hopeful and half terrifi ed at the thought of not remembering his own mother. He 148

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  had no intention of letting the conversation drop until she convinced him that his destiny wouldn’t require a gender change.

  “Honey, I think whatever other lives await you will be the right ones but it also won’t be for a very long time. I also think we fi nd each other, again and again. I may not be your mom in your next life but I’ll defi nitely be there.”

  “What if I’m your mom?” he asked with a smile. He seemed pleased with the idea of being the one in control.

  “Anything’s possible, babe. But for now, you have a long life ahead of you and that’s all you need to concentrate on.”

  She kissed his nose and forehead and ran her fi ngers once more through his curls.

  “I’m not tired,” he complained, as he yawned and put his head back against the pillow.

  “No?” she asked.

  She grinned and pulled the covers up right below his chin. After planting a kiss on his lips, she said, “I think maybe you just don’t want to go to sleep.”

  “No way, lady,” he objected sleepily.

  Heather had laughed. Jack was such a funny kid.

  Heather wished she could jump into his dreams to fi nd out what had been haunting him lately. Nightmares woke him up abruptly, sweating, shaking and crying. The only cure was when Heather enfolded him in her arms and lay beside him long after he’d fallen into a sound sleep.

  All he’d ever said about the nightmares was that monsters were coming after him. He said he couldn’t 149

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  fi ght back because he had no weapons. Skilled at utilizing whatever information was handy, Heather decided to experiment with a new idea before he fell out.

  “I have something very important for you,” she had said as she wore her most serious expression. “It’s something I think you’re old enough for now.”

  Unable to contain his curiosity, Jack sat up straight.

  “What?” he asked.

  “I have the weapons you need,” she whispered.

  “Where?” Jack whispered.

  She held up a closed fi st but remained mysterious about its contents.

  “They’re in here,” she continued. “We have to implant them behind your ear but I need to know you can handle this responsibility.”

  He answered without hesitation.

  “I want an oozie and a machete and a knife and a gun and a grenade,” he answered excitedly.

  She told him to list them again slowly and as he named each weapon, Heather made a show of implanting them behind his ear. She warned him to be careful with such great power and, though a part of him didn’t believe his mother, the part that wanted to believe won over. He accepted the weapons eagerly and agreed to bring them into his dreams in case the monsters came back.

  Heather said a silent prayer that Jack’s subconscious mind was powerful enough that her plan worked. She lay beside him and listened closely to his breathing as he slept. She put a hand to his heart to make sure it was still 150

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  beating and was hit with a memory of the daughter whose heart refused to beat. Exhausted, she closed her eyes and gave into the sleep that beckoned her as well.

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  Chapter 10

  Lightning Crashes

  As she lay next to Jack, Heather felt her mind and body shut down. Her defenses weakened under the lure of slumber and visions of her lost daughter fi lled her brain. She didn’t want to bring the memory into her dreams with her. If she fell asleep thinking about the loss, the bad thoughts would attach themselves to her brain like unwanted barnacles.

  Heather knew that losing a child could only happen as punishment for some horrible sin she had committed.

  God knew how she loved all children and how she lived to protect them. She had even turned it into a full-fl edged career.

  Nothing and nobody would ever convince Heather that she wasn’t to blame for her daughter’s death. She had taken good care of her pregnancy so she knew it wasn’t a physical sin she’d committed. Heather decided the loss was retribution for some horrid crime she’d committed against the spiritual world.

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  Memories of the tiny soul whose life and death took place within two short hours teased her nerves. In her vulnerable sleep state, the mental doors that usually remained tightly closed creaked open. They overpowered her natural ability to numb out feelings and blur out thoughts.

  She could still see the doctors rushing in and out of her hospital room and could still hear the beeping of machines.

  The voices of the medical staff were unmistakably urgent as panic took over her hospital room.

  Heather could still see the perfectly formed body of her tiny daughter. The child had opened her mouth to cry but no sound came out. Above all else, it was the part that broke Heather’s heart. The soreness in her vagina and the emptiness in her womb had taken a back seat to the sadness she felt for her broken baby with lungs that didn’t work.

  The twenty-fi ve hour labor had ended in silence. The face of her obstetrician fl oated above her, his features appearing to her a blurry mask. The sedatives and pain medications pumped into her throughout the night had Heather struggling to keep her eyes open. Hard as she fought not to, she had passed out after holding her baby for just a second or two.

  For years, Heather cursed the exhaustion that had overtaken her. She believed it to be the ultimate nail in her daughter’s coffi n. Had she not fallen asleep, the nurse wouldn’t have been able to rock her into an endless sleep 153

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  and Heather’s love as her mother may have magically worked to save her life.

  “This is a really shitty event,” her doctor had said sadly.

  As unprofessional as it sounded, the words were sincere and heartfelt. Heather had prayed fervently for God to spare her unborn child and when He hadn’t, had envisioned an angry e
ntity bringing vengeance down upon her.

  Her minister, Pastor Eric, had stopped in to visit with her in the hospital room and to pray with her. She remembered the sadness in his eyes when he looked down into the tiny, empty crib. She had never even been able to kiss her daughter on the head and place her in the bassinet beside her.

  “Why does God hate me?” she had cried.

  “He doesn’t hate you, Heather. He loves you very much,” her pastor had answered.

  “Then why did He let this happen?”

  “You know the answer to that,” he answered.

  “Oh right, free will. I almost forgot what a gift that was,” she said bitterly.

  “Free will is a gift,” he said gently.

  “Oh, a gift!’ she bit back. “That must be why it feels so good.”

  “Free will doesn’t always feel good. It can lead to the worst pain imaginable,” he shook his head. “Like this.”

  “I think I’d give up free will right now if it meant holding my baby for fi ve more minutes.”

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  “But then you wouldn’t be a real mother to her. You would just be a robot. Is that what you would want?” he had asked her.

  “Yes! I would become a robot to get her back!’ she screamed.

  Heather woke up beside Jack, screaming. She cut it off quickly so she wouldn’t wake everyone else but she couldn’t cut off the tears. She lay in bed, cuddling her healthy seven-year-old son and crying for the daughter she had never been able to bring home.

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  Chapter 11

  Strawberry Fields

  Heather’s stress didn’t escape her sister’s attention and Jade insisted she leave the boys with their mother to go out for a beer. Heather didn’t want to leave the boys anywhere but still felt her presence was their weakness so she agreed to go. Besides, the thought of alcohol sounded great.

  She kissed Tommy and Jack goodbye and headed to Joey’s karaoke show at Beer Belly’s. What had begun as a three-week gig for her second husband had turned into a full-fl edged career and Heather credited herself with his success because she’d gotten him the fi rst job.

  His show was largely successful due to due to her ex-husband’s ability to make his customers feel good about themselves. His singers felt like stars on his stage and they admired him as if he were their own personal piano man. Joey thought he was saving the world one karaoke show at a time and in a weird way, Heather realized he was probably right.

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  His fans left the show feeling better than they did before braving the microphone. He had a natural way of entertaining people, of helping them connect to an audience despite their insecurities. Heather used to wish his power to make people feel good had extended itself to their marriage but it was a hope she no longer indulged in. Their marriage was over and had become irretrievable.

  The best she could hope for was a solid friendship and a strong co-parent for Jack.

  The major downfall of their marriage had been Heather’s ability to look at the world as a vast place fi lled with endless possibilities compared to his own view from within his suffocating bubble. She thought he gave up on things too easily and he hated her for pointing it out to him all the time. They had both crossed the boundaries with cruel words and vengeance long before but fortunately, had come full circle into a new friendship. Heather and Joey had never lacked the ability to have fun together and she decided there was no reason to give up on the best parts of their relationship just because their marriage didn’t work.

  The bitterness over their past had gradually disintegrated over the two years since their divorce and Heather was still testing the waters of their evolved relationship.

  Heather followed her pregnant sister through the crowded pub and straight to the bar. Jade, a serious partier before her pregnancy, had never been a baby about being in a smoky bar. Now, as she neared her due date, almost 157

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  everything made her sick. Heather prayed there was one smoke-free area left in the bar. The last thing she needed to deal with was a pile of vomit in her lap.

  Heather struggled against the urge to rush home to her boys. She knew instinctively her presence was more dangerous to them than anything else. Even if she were wrong, she chanced screwing them up by making them victims of her insecurities and paranoia. She had to keep reminding herself they were safer at home than anywhere with her.

  Heather made eye contact with Joey and she winked at him. He was plugging his equipment in and hooking speakers up for the show. Familiar voices called out to her from the crowd and she waved back at old acquaintances she and Joey had collected together during the marriage.

  She hadn’t seen them for a few months and she enjoyed the comfortable banter customary among karaoke crowds.

  Once at the bar, Jade ordered an ice water and Heather asked for a Long Island iced tea. Dolly was behind the bar and when she saw them, she blew a kiss mid-pour as she continued to tend to the obnoxious drunks in her section. When she was fi nished coddling an old drunk who kept falling out of his chair, the compassionate bartender walked up to her favorite pair of sisters. She gave them rushed hellos and quick hugs before returning to her customers. When Heather turned to face Jade, she discovered her sister was no longer beside her. She craned her neck behind her and saw that Jade had already commandeered a booth.

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  Joey approached the booth and leaned in to drop a kiss onto Heather’s waiting cheek. He looked at Jade and delivered a strained hello to the woman he once thought of as part of the opposing enemy camp. His mouth told Jade hello but his eyes screamed “Don’t hit me.”

  Jade smiled warmly at him and hugged him back. The hard feelings were gone and she looked at him with love and admiration. Heather noticed that Jade didn’t seem to have a problem with him anymore either. As a matter of fact, her little sister didn’t seem to have an issue with anyone anymore. Heather didn’t understand gestational kindness because her own pregnancies had provided her with a generalized hatred of humankind.

  “Hey Joey, what’s up?” Jade asked.

  “Well, you know,” he started as he glanced around at the growing line of singers. “You pretty much see it,” he fi nished.

  “Are you taking care of our tab tonight?” Heather asked him too soon. She realized she hadn’t even said hello yet but it was too late to change her order of priorities since she’d already verbalized them. Instead, she batted her eyelashes and tossed in her best pout for added measure. Though she tried not to make a habit of extorting money through guilt, Heather never felt bad asking Joey to pay her check. She still felt that he owed her a lot and she planned to collect her due, one Long Island iced tea at a time.

  He stared at her for a moment and Heather was relieved that mental telepathy was impossible. She knew 159

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  if he tried to refuse, he’d crumble within three seconds so she counted down as she waited for a response.

  “Fine,” he fi nally answered. “I’ll tell Dolly to put your tab under my name.”

  Even though he followed his statement with an eye roll, Heather noticed the tugging at his upper lip. She knew he was happy she’d come to see him and as much as he hated to spend his money, she knew he’d rather spend it and be in her presence than deny her and see her leave. Heather hoped that didn’t make her shallow or manipulative but was pretty sure it made her both.

  “Hang on, I have to cue up the fi rst song,” he said rushing away. “I’ll be back in a few.”

  Before making his getaway, Joey looked down at Jade’s swollen belly and advised her to start eating before she withered away.

  “Hey, wow, you’re funny,” Jade said.

  It was the same light banter they had shared before Joey became the family villain. In the past, Jade found it diffi cult to forgive his
treatment of her big sister and Heather had hoped the time since the divorce had been long enough for her family to lick their wounds as well.

  Both of Heather’s marriages had been so chaotic and volatile that they affected her family and friends almost as much as they had affected her.

  Joey walked away and Jade stared at her without a word.

  “What?” Heather asked defensively.

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  “You do know you’re not married anymore, right?”

  Jade asked.

  “Of course. I’m not married to Damon anymore either but I hang out with him too.”

  “Yeah, thanks for making my point for me, psychopath,” Jade said. She was smiling so Heather knew she meant no ill will.

  “What point, stupid?” Heather asked.

  She had decided it wouldn’t be fair to let Jade be the only one who stooped to name-calling.

  “Uh, why do you spend so much time with your ex-husbands maybe?” asked Jade.

  Heather counted on her fi ngers dramatically.

  “Let’s see. Because I love them, because I have fun with them, because they help me, because they’re good fathers,” she ranted, mildly annoyed. “Duh,” she added for good measure.

  Jade started to respond and Heather spoke louder, until her voice drowned out her sister’s.

  “I see no reason to discard them because we failed at marriage when I could keep them as friends. That’s asinine and doesn’t make sense and people who think that way are ridiculous,” Heather fi nally fi nished. Realizing how defensive she’d become, she stuck her tongue out at Jade.

  “Yeah. Real glad we didn’t hit a nerve or anything,”

  Jade teased.

  “Bite me.”

  “Are you gonna sing?” Heather asked, forcing a subject change. “Do Eternal Flame!’ she commanded.

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  Jade knew the Bangles hit her sister mentioned.

  Heather made her sing it every time they were within a mile of a microphone.

  “No way,” Jade teased.

  “Please?”

  Heather had always been proud of her little sister’s melodic voice. She wished Jade had remained close to the business and felt the world was a lesser place for not being exposed to her amazing voice. Jade was working as a starving band promoter at the inception of her pregnancy and she’d had to walk away from it for awhile.